When I was much younger I had a raging temper.
Not many people knew it because it rarely showed itself. Instead, it boiled below like a mass of pressurized lava. Unseen but inevitably catastrophic.
I was a “nice guy”. A people pleaser. A guy who shunned or avoided violence. I grew up immersed in violence so I learned to be as invisible as possible.
And if you know anything about psychology, all of that translates to a passive aggressive monster. Someone who is always on the edge of blowing up but somehow holds it together.
Until they can’t
Having been that I can now see that. The Prius driving, Tye Dye wearing seething putrescence covered by a thin veneer of peace. The hyper-educated intellectual who tries to cut off the heads of others with his superior knowledge. The Facebook hater who has to rectify every perceived wrong.
A few times my hate for the world showed itself. Fortunately nothing too horrible ever happened. But it was close.
In those times my intent was not defense of self or honor (The latter not being something worthy of violence). It was murder. A brick to the head. A machete to the neck.
I was once less than a second away from killing a cop. Which, of course, would have ended in my own demise. It was stopped by the only person that could have stopped it. My wife.
A monster. But not an uncommon monster.
I often think about what is different now. And I do have some answers.
Psychologically I am different. I have healed. But that is a whole ‘nother story. Too much for this simple blog post.
There is also the gap. This is the interesting thing. The gap slowly formed. I wasn’t that aware of it for a long time. But slowly I noticed.
It is both a gap in time and in space.
It is a moment in time where my conscious mind is able to determine right or wrong. This moment did not exist before. The conscious mind was not even present. So it could not have existed.
It is also a gap in the space between the conscious mind and the trained in predatory reflexes. Much like an observer.
It’s a strange thing. Watching a monster.
There’s a massive difference now that the gap exists. Now there’s an off switch. There’s a judgement of right and wrong. There’s a decision based upon that judgement.
There is still a monster. That monster might even be nastier than before. But he sleeps comfortably. And when he awakes it’s usually just to play.